As a member of a small theology department that has the misfortune of having to prepare for both the research assessment exercise and a subject review visit, my thoughts have been turning to the long-standing religious concept of the Day of Judgement.
Despite the traditional terrors of this day, it seems preferable to the methods of assessing the work of British academics for these reasons: it is totally objective (since God is omniscient and just) and there is no need to present any evidence (since the angels have already collected it).
It has the added advantage of being able to be deferred until after retirement.
Hugh Goddard Reader in Islamic theology University of Nottingham