Another milestone was reached by our university last week with the news that, following the latest round of appointments, there was now one human resources manager available for every member of academic staff.
"This is an exciting breakthrough," declared Louise Bimpson, our Corporate Director of Human Resources (formerly the Personnel Officer). "Only last week, a survey by Coventry University revealed that university academic staff had the worst perceptions of their managers of any employment sector. What better way could there be to resolve this unsatisfactory situation than by drastically increasing the overall number of managers who can provide management training?"
She went on to tell our reporter Keith Ponting (29) that this latest increase in human resources meant that all academic staff could at last be liberated from their "traditional obsessive concern with teaching and research" and be free to develop their leadership and performance-management skills, as well as their capacity to harness their endeavours to the strategic goals of the university going forward.
Asked by our reporter if there was any reliable evidence that the employment of ever-larger numbers of human resources staff had done anything whatsoever to improve the performance of individual universities, Ms Bimpson said that "the HR revolution still had a long way to go". "But," she added, "always remember that the Tower of Babel wasn't built in a day."
LOST
Were you by any chance walking along the beaches of North Yorkshire during the Easter break? Then perhaps you can help Ted Thorndike of our Psychology Department, who tells The Poppletonian that he lost a carrier bag containing 145 first-year psychology projects during his holiday ramble along the cliffs above Robin Hood's Bay.
"I was simply strolling happily along, looking forward to getting some marking done as soon as I reached the outskirts of Whitby when a sudden gust of wind tore the bag from my arm and sent it skittering over the cliff edge."
Ted says the carrier bag is easily recognised. It carries the logo "This is not a plastic bag" and, apart from the scripts, contains an apple, an emergency whistle, and a small packet of prescription pills.
This is Ted's second piece of bad luck. Only last year he was out walking in the Trossachs when his Karrimor knapsack containing over 150 second-year psychology projects was snatched by a marauding eagle.
CORRECTION
In last week's edition, we erroneously referred to the university's new pressure group as Re-Claim the Streets. This should have read Re-Pave the Streets. We regret any confusion this mistake might have caused among participants taking part in last week's city-centre demonstration.
CAN YOU HELP?
Volunteers wanted to help out on the university's Diversity Awareness Week (May 5th-9th). Preference will be given to applicants with an awareness of their diversity.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)
Now that the holidays are over once again, here's a thought to help you back to work:
The secret of success is making your vocation your vacation.