“At times it threatened to parallel the worst excesses of the French Revolution.”
That was how Brigadier T. W. Trouncing, Poppleton’s Head of Campus Security, chose to describe some of the disturbing behaviour that occurred during the recent freshers’ week.
Brigadier Trouncing told our reporter Keith Ponting (30) that much of the “mayhem” had been caused by no more than three or four committed troublemakers. He instanced one such individual who had been seen snorting Class A drugs in the Learning and Resources Centre (formerly the Central Library) and had then, according to other witnesses, gone on to drink heavily in the Student Union bar before proceeding to commit several acts of vandalism. These included scrawling “The Vice-Chancellor is a Dotard” on the wall of the same-sex toilets (formerly Male and Female) and defacing the panoramic portrait of the university campus in the Brand Manager’s Office (formerly the Philosophy Department) with the slogan “Stop the Term, I Want to Get Off”.
“And had this deviant been apprehended?” asked Ponting.
“Indeed,” said Brigadier Trouncing.
“And had disciplinary action been taken?”
“滨苍诲别别诲.”
“What, exactly?”
“A priority email has been sent to Professor Lapping outlining the immediate advantages of premature retirement.”
“I can’t say that I’ve heard of a person called Gary Neville.”
Although Daphne Arbour, the Head of the Poppleton School of Terpsichorean and Dramatic Art, is clearly unacquainted with Manchester United’s former defender, she has rushed to declare her “total support” for Mr Neville and the group of other footballers who have created a new institution of higher education: University Academy ’92.
Ms Arbour, who took time off from her Monday morning Mime and Movement class to speak to our reporter Keith Ponting (30), denounced those “higher education snobs” who claimed that allowing Mr Neville’s academy to use the name university simply because it enjoyed a loose connection with Lancaster University was undermining the “university title”.
What, asked Ms Arbour, was so special about that title? “Thanks to the excellent work carried out by the courageous minister for higher education, Mr Jo Johnson, it is difficult to see how any development whatsoever could further undermine the status of British universities.”
Ponting wondered if her reaction to the Gary Neville University Academy was in any way prompted by the recent failure of her own college to acquire university status?
“Not at all. Although it certainly made me wonder if I might have been wise to have stressed my own footballing connection in the application.”
“And the nature of that connection?”
“I seem to recall that a very heavy Premier League striker with pronounced freckles once sat on my knee during the days when my specialist dancing was of the ‘lap’ variety.”
We have been asked to clarify the photograph that appeared in last week’s Poppletonian article about the debate between Andrew Adonis and David Willetts. We are pleased to help. Lord Adonis is wearing a red tie.