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"We will not be moved." That was the fighting response from our university's Theology Department to last week's claim in Times Higher Education that theology has no place in a modern university. Speaking to our reporter Keith Ponting (29), the current head of department, Janet Vantiger, declared that such arguments were "totally out of touch with modern developments in academic theology".

She told Ponting that her own department had pioneered a range of new options that were perfectly compatible with this university's new determination to make all its courses "business facing". In addition to the popular "Morality and hedge-fund management", she instanced the second-year option on "The Christian path to asset stripping".

She also objected strongly to the article's suggestion that many theology degrees failed to do justice to the full range of world religions. "That's certainly never been true here at Poppleton. As far as we're concerned, every god deserves a proper place in the syllabus. We're as anxious to do full justice to Zeus and Allah as we are to Jesus and Jehovah. In fact, it's that very eclecticism that has led us to pioneer a completely new two-term course on a major god who has been seriously maligned and misrepresented in the past." She went on to explain to our reporter that the department's two-term course on Mammon would begin next October.

A good time was had by all at last week's alumni reunion for students who graduated in 1997. Julie Thomas (Joint Astronomy and American Studies) told us it was "great fun to run into her old friend Mark Stint" (English for Business). Mark was equally enthusiastic. "What great fun to see Julie again," he told our reporter. The evening climaxed with a personal appeal for money from Mrs Dilworth (collecting in the Vice-Chancellor's absence).

Doctor Fritz Itzig of the Department of Psychology has lost an experimental rat. The missing rat is dark grey in colour with lighter grey under-parts. Doctor Itzig tells us that the rat does not answer to any name but turns left in a T-maze when you shine a bright light in its eyes.

Jennifer Doubleday, our popular Head of Personal Development, has asked us to point out that last week's widely circulated text offering instant penile enlargement did not emanate from her department. (Glad to put the record straight, Jenny. Ed.)