In a shock statement, our university's Head of Leadership, Stewart Edge, has announced a moratorium on the appointment of new leaders.

Speaking to our reporter, Keith Ponting (30), Mr Edge explained that Poppleton had now reached the happy state in which every academic and administrative employee had not only attended at least one very expensive leadership course at a country house somewhere miles away from campus but also held a leadership post that they could call their own.

In some cases, individuals had come to be entrusted with what could only be called "an abundance of leadership functions". He instanced Dr Elizabeth Parteger, our Reader in Medieval Studies for Business and Impact, who is currently designated as a Level Leader, a Year Leader, a Field Leader, a Pathway Leader, a Module Leader, a Theme Leader, a Workplace Learning Leader and a Course Leader.

Although Mr Edge agreed that under the new aegis it would be necessary to reduce Dr Parteger's leadership roles, he admitted that she was well qualified for such an expanded portfolio. She had attended more than 24 leadership conferences and been awarded the prestigious Leader of Leaders Certificate by the Institute of Advanced Leadership for successfully devising a way to cross a fast-flowing river using only two coat hangers, a roll of Sellotape, three egg cups and a ball of plasticine.

ÁñÁ«ÊÓƵ

Dr Parteger expressed surprise at the news that she might be deprived of some of her leadership functions. However, she admitted that the new ruling might have the result of making leadership at Poppleton more meaningful. "If reducing the number of leaders does in any way help to remedy the serious shortage of people who are currently available to be led, that can only be a good thing."

The great UCU debate

This is the week in which all members of the University and College Union will receive their ballot papers for the election of the next general secretary. To help you make your choice, we have endeavoured to summarise some of the main ideological and philosophical issues that currently divide the two leading contenders. In order to reduce any possibility of bias or favouritism, we have removed the actual names of the candidates:

ÁñÁ«ÊÓƵ

Candidate A: Don't vote for Candidate B because he's a candidate for the Socialist Workers Party.

Candidate B: Quite frankly, that's a school-playground insult.

Candidate A: Oh, no, it isn't!

Candidate B: Oh, yes, it is! I'm a member of the SWP, but I'm not a candidate for the SWP any more than your membership of the Labour Party makes you a candidate for the Labour Party.

Candidate A: Oh, yes, it does!

Candidate B: Oh, no, it doesn't!

Candidate A: I'll tell you this for nothing. Any vote for Candidate B is a vote for more strikes.

ÁñÁ«ÊÓƵ

Candidate B: And I'll tell you this for nothing. Divided we stand, united we fall.

Candidate A: Ya!

Candidate B: Boo!

We hope this clarifies the ballot.

Thought for the Week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

Will the person who borrowed the demonstration mirror from last week's seminar on "Improving your self-concept" please return it asap. By now you should know who you are.

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk.