Police cars raced to our campus on Tuesday as news came through of a fatal stabbing following an outbreak of mob violence in the Senior Common Room of David Willetts College.

According to unconfirmed reports, the violence broke out when several members of the SCR revealed that they had recorded scores of ten and above on the Ladyman Index - the anti-impact agenda initiated by the University of Bristol professor.

An eyewitness told The Poppletonian that this announcement immediately prompted a heated response from non-Ladyman academics who accused the Ladymen of living in ivory towers and treating impact as a dirty word.

In the hand-to-hand fighting that ensued, it appears that a senior Ladyman member of the Philosophy Department, Dr L.E.G. Ambit, was fatally stabbed with the business end of a laser pointer. The eyewitness claimed that the stabbing was accompanied by chants of "Take that for impact".

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This is the second Ladyman death on campus this month. Only last week it was reported that a similar debate on impact in the Department of Palaeontology for Business had been hastily concluded when one participant keeled over and died from terminal boredom.

Peel me a grape

One of our longest-serving departmental secretaries has given a cautious welcome to research from Kingston University showing that many secretaries are asked to perform inappropriate tasks.

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Speaking to our reporter, Keith Ponting (30), Maureen from the Department of Media and Cultural Studies said she did not object to taking Dr Quintock's children to the lavatory, showing Professor Lapping how to increase the ventilation in his room by opening the window or pointing out to Mr Odgers that photocopying was more likely to be effective when the machine contained paper.

She did, however, feel it was "marginally inappropriate" to be asked to organise the whip-round for her "Christmas box" and be required to give Dr Piercemuller's third-year lectures on "The Highways and Byways of Marrakech".

Professor Lapping told Ponting that he had every confidence in Maureen but still wanted to know where on earth she'd put his bicycle clips.

Thought for the Week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

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"Please note that the traditional Christmas crib in the atrium of the Management Block will this year be replaced by an ecumenical crib featuring animals of diverse religious persuasions."

Course consumer guide

In line with government demand that courses carry consumer ratings, we introduce our guide to Poppleton courses.

This week: Theology

- How much does it weigh?

Theology is one of the heavier courses in the curriculum, but its weight can be considerably reduced by dispensing with the Aquinas option

- How deep is it?

This is a deepish course, but some shallow thinking is to be found in the Intelligent Design module

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- Will it fit in my garage?

There should be no problem here. However, some students do report that they've found it difficult to fit Theology into such other living areas as Rational Discourse, Empirical Observation and Fundamental Logic

- Is there a guarantee?

Usual terms apply, but the current guarantee does not extend to plagues of locusts.

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