" Ministers are considering a further increase in the premium paid to universities for each student they recruit from a poor neighbourhood " - THES , February 16.

Hello.

Ah yes, hello indeed. Am I speaking to Mrs Goodenough?

We've already got double glazing.

No, it's not about double glazing. My name is Professor Lapping. From the University of Poppleton. Is your son Tony available?

You mean Anthony.

Yes, Anthony. Is he available?

He's busy down the club.

The club? Right. Well, perhaps I could have a word with you about something that might be of great value to your son. I understand that you live in a poor postal district.

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You can say that again. We haven't had a delivery for three days.

No, I'm referring to the socio-economic nature of your district. I believe it's disadvantaged.

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It's a bloody disgrace.

Quite so. And that's why I'm ringing. You see, here at Poppleton we're committed to providing chances for those who might not consider themselves suitable for higher education. We call it widening access. Has Anthony ever expressed any interest in university life?

Not really. But he thinks students are a load of tossers and reckons he makes more money down the club in a month than most professors get in a year.

Quite so. Well, from what you've told me, Anthony sounds like the sort of young man we'd welcome at Poppleton. Would you ask him to give me a ring?

That depends.

Depends on what?

The double-glazing man sent us a free Biro and a calendar.

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I'll see what can be arranged. Goodbye. Best wishes to Tony.

Anthony.

Quite so.