"Many university student complaint procedures may not conform to basic principles of natural justice" - The Times Higher, March 26.

Next please. You must be Wayne Timmins. Is that right?

Yes, sir.

Now, you have lodged two complaints. The first is against your academic supervisor, Dr Piercem¨¹ller. You claim that he is guilty of gross inefficiency in that he failed to arrange any meetings with you over the final two years of your course.

That's right.

Timmins, I presume you are aware that Dr Piercem¨¹ller is an internationally respected scholar?

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I don't really see how...

He is currently heavily involved in developing a major European Union-funded project into the effect of community enlargement on tourism in the south of France with particular reference to Juan-les-Pins.

I don't really see how...

You don't seem to see a lot, Mr Timmins. You don't, for example, seem to have considered that Dr Piercem¨¹ller's failure to meet you might have nothing to do with inefficiency. It might have been an example of his extreme efficiency. It might have been because he was pursuing the wider interests of this university over and above those of a single student. I put it to you, Timmins, that Dr Piercem¨¹ller simply had better things to do with his time than to listen to your whingeing.

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I don't really see how...

Which brings us to your second complaint. You claim that Professor Lapping of the same department attempted to shoot you when you were walking home from campus last Thursday. You not only saw him standing at the window of his office with a cocked rifle but heard him shout "Take that you snivelling treacherous bastard" as he fired a total of more than 20 shots in your direction.

That's right.

Mr Timmins, I presume you are aware that Professor Lapping is an internationally respected scholar?