" The number of professors has increased by 63 per cent in the past decade ", The Times Higher, April Ah, Lapping, there you are. Professor Lapping, I should say.

Yes, indeed, vice-chancellor.

Professor of Media and Cultural Studies.

That's right.

Jolly good. Now then, Lapping, how long have you been with us?

About 18 months.

Not with me, Lapping. With us. With us. With the academic community of Poppleton going forward.

Over 20 years.

Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Now Lapping, as you will be aware, as part of our constant drive to reward excellence we have appointed a number of new professors at Poppleton in recent years. So much so that our professors now outnumber all other members of academic staff.

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Indeed.

This trend inevitably means that the title of professor is in some danger of being devalued, It's a trend that has led none other than Alan Smithers of Buckingham University to suggest that the appellation "doctor" might now be a better signifier of achievement.

Really?

Oh yes, Now, Lapping, I want to go further than Smithers. I believe the time has come to use a wholly new mark of status within this university.

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So I'm delighted to tell you that we have decided to take a leaf out of the National Health Service book and re-appoint you to this university.

Reappoint?

That's it. From now on you will be known as "Mr" Lapping. Many congratulations. If you see Mrs Dilworth on your way out she'll give you your new nameplate. And Lapping.

Vice-chancellor?

Wear your new title with pride.

I'll do my best.