Telephone calls are being used to raise money from successful past students - THES, May 3 .

Mrs Stanhope speaking.

Good evening. Sorry to bother you, but is Nobby around?

Mr Norbert Stanhope?

Of course. Mr Norbert Stanhope. Is he available?

Who should I say is speaking?

If you could say that it's his old professor. From his alma mater . From Poppleton.

Does his old professor have a name?

Lapping. Or "Stumblebum".

Stumblebum?

It was, I believe, a nickname that enjoyed a certain currency during Mr Stanhope's time. A little joke about my occasional tendency to get the wrong end of the stick during seminars.

ÁñÁ«ÊÓƵ

And the nature of your business?

If you could just say that I'm ringing to have a chat about old times at Poppleton and about the possibility of Mr Stanhope wishing to renew his links by making a modest contribution towards our development fund.

I think that most unlikely. In fact, I can confidently say on the basis of a number of conversations with my husband that he feels that if there is to be any exchange of money between him and his old university, then it should be in the reverse direction.

ÁñÁ«ÊÓƵ

The reverse direction?

That's right. He believes that a substantial refund of fees is the only adequate compensation for a nomadic supervisor, two listed courses that failed to start, 18 lectures that were cancelled without reason and 16 unmarked essays.

Well, Mrs Stanhope, What can I say? It's been a great pleasure to chat.

Indeed it has, Professor Stumblebum.