Jamie Targett, our thrusting Director of Corporate Affairs, was quick to condemn "the salacious gossip" that followed the revelation in last week's Poppleton Evening News that our vice-chancellor had been discovered in bed with Mr R.T. "Bob" Fetterling, the managing director of Poppleton Pork Products.

According to the Evening News, the couple were found in this compromising position by a Mr Damien Jollyboys, who had called round to correct a reported fault on Mr Fetterling's cable television. "Imagine my surprise," he told the News, "when I went into the bedroom and saw Mr Fetterling lying alongside the fat man who had shaken my daughter's hand on Degree Day last year."

Targett insisted that no "sexual connotations" should be attached to the incident. "For many years," he told our reporter, Keith Ponting (30), "this university has prided itself on being business facing. Along with other forward-looking universities, we have been anxious to involve employers in every aspect of the university experience. Seen in this context, the news that our vice-chancellor has been found in bed with industry is a natural academic development."

Dumbing down

Janet Fluellen, our Director of Curriculum Development, has enthusiastically welcomed the news that a cross-party panel of MPs has asked academics to submit evidence of dumbing down in universities.

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"We are so committed to this exercise," she told The Poppletonian, "that we have constituted a high-powered dumbing-down committee (myself and the vice-chancellor). Any Poppleton academic with evidence of slipping or falling standards should submit their claim to this committee together with their name, age, departmental affiliation, number of years in service, a recent passport-size photograph, a P45 and a small DNA sample."

An apology

In last week's Poppletonian, we erroneously described Bill Wakeham as vice-chancellor of Portsmouth University when, in fact, he is the vice-chancellor of the University of Southampton. The vice-chancellor of Portsmouth University is, of course, John Craven. We apologise unreservedly for this error and recognise that both universities being on the south coast is neither here nor there.

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Cancellation

We have been asked to report the cancellation of the Media and Cultural Studies Christmas dinner owing to the following staff indispositions: Professor Lapping (chronic indigestion), Doctor Quintock (gammy knee), Ted Odgers (attending Day of Rage demonstration), Doctor Piercemuller (marooned in France by collapse of tour company). Anyone who would like to take advantage of a corner-table booking at the Vesuvius Greek Restaurant on 10 December should contact Maureen (terminal depression) in the departmental office.

Thought for the Week
(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

I'm sure we'd all want to take off our hats and say "well done, thou good and faithful servant" to Professor Lapping of Media and Cultural Studies, who last week completed 30 years of service to this university. I hope this little saying will give him some reassurance and comfort as he contemplates his uncertain future.

Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese.

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