Final votes are now being cast in the election for the new President of Universities UK. Here are the mission statements from all three candidates

'I'm your man,' says Uttoxeter's Lumpkin

"I believe it is vitally important that at this critical historical moment in time all universities should work together," says Norman Lumpkin, the prematurely grey vice-chancellor of the University of Uttoxeter and chair of the Largely Down and Out University Alliance.

Odds 200 to 1

'I'm your man,' says Old Sarum's Drobny

"I believe it is vitally important that at this critical historical moment in time all universities should work together," says Norman Drobny, the prematurely stooped vice-chancellor of the University of Old Sarum and chair of the Stuck in the Middle University Consortium.

Odds 200 to 1

'I'm your man,' says Sutton Coldfield's Stubbins

"I believe it is vitally important that at this critical historical moment in time all universities should work together," says Roger Stubbins, the prematurely comatose vice-chancellor of Sutton Coldfield University and chair of the Universities Left Over from all the Other University Alliances Alliance.

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Odds 200 to 1

(Results will be announced on 15 December)

A Proliferation of Professors

Poppleton has moved quickly to outflank the proposal by the Oxford academic Nicholas Bamforth that all dons at Oxford should be given the title of "professor".

Our Corporate Director of Human Resources, Louise Bimpson, announced this week that all lecturers, senior lecturers and readers at the university would be immediately ascribed one of four professorial titles: associate professor, assistant professor, putative professor or conjectural professor.

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A warm welcome was given to the move by Georgina Turvey, the newly appointed Putative Professor of Medieval Studies, who told our reporter Keith Ponting (30) that her new title was not only a positive recognition of the contribution she had made to the university over the years but had also "really, really pleased" her mother.

Doctor Piercemuller, the newly created Conjectural Professor of Cultural and Media Studies, was unable to comment owing to prior engagements overseas.

A Message from our Multifaith Chaplain

Good morning. You know, very soon we will be reaching that special time of the year when people who subscribe to certain religious beliefs rather than to others will be celebrating what they regard as a very significant event. May I therefore take this opportunity to wish all such believers a very happy special time of the year? Happy Special Time of the Year to You All.

Thought for the Week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

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Well, that was quite a party we had in the Personal Development Centre last Friday. Thanks to all the friends old and new who turned up to celebrate the strides they'd made towards increased self-awareness over the year. Here's a special thought for all those (including yours truly) who drank a teeny bit too much wine that night.

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"