Our Deputy Head of Degree Convocations, Jeremy Tam, has issued the following revised set?of instructions and guidelines following recent concerns about?the general management of our degree ceremonies

1. Will all members of academic staff please note that the traditional three cheers for the Vice-Chancellor at the end of each ceremony should be briskly accomplished. Some recent cheering has been sufficiently extended as to verge on the ironic.

2. Although the servile compliance of our external examiners now ensures that nearly all our undergraduates obtain a first-class degree, members of the audience are reminded that it is inappro-priate as well as unsporting to shout ¡°loser¡± at those graduating with only an upper second.

3. We very much regret that in view of pending criminal proceedings, our chancellor, Sir Hartley Grossman, managing director of Poppleton Pork Products, will no?longer be available for ¡°selfies¡± with female graduands.

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4. Although graduands are required to bestow a bow upon the Vice-Chancellor as they accept their degree scroll, this should be of a strictly perfunctory nature. Under no circumstances should?the forehead approach the floor.

5. All members of academic staff are again reminded that they should wear only the traditional claret and blue Poppleton gowns as supplied by Greed and Having-alarf. The appearance of two members of staff in full-length white gowns and sharply pointed white hats at last week¡¯s International Relations Convocation prompted some unfortunate speculation in the local press.

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6. While it is appreciated that nobody in the hall understands any of the various Latin phrases that now punctuate our ceremonies, matters are hardly helped when academic speakers indicate their own lack of comprehension by accompanying their Latin pronouncements with what can only be described as a silly face.

7. Please note that as in previous years, ÁñÁ«ÊÓƵopathy graduands will be presented with only a very small portion of their degree certificate.

8. Members of the audience who wish to join the university choir in its rendition of O Sole Mioare reminded that the traditional lyrics of the song do not include the phrase ¡°Just One Cornetto¡±.

9. Parents with an interest in the pedagogic future of Poppleton University may find reassurance in the news that most members of the platform party have already been offered compulsory retirement.

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10. We very much regret that after last night¡¯s fire-bombing of the Administration Building, it has been decided that the presentation of the honorary degree to Jo Johnson, minister for higher education, will now take place in absentia.

11. Programme correction: Please note that the trumpet part in the University Orchestra¡¯s performance of the allegro movement from Haydn¡¯s Trumpet Concerto will be performed by Giles Davis. We regret any degree of disappointment that might have been engendered by the programme misprint.

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk